Getting through the week after a death

We are at peace with my FIL's death but exhausted. Here is how the week is shaping up.

- I cancelled all my meetings. Should have kept going to yoga but I am very tired. The time change has not sunk in for the dog and I'm falling asleep way too early as I am so tired. I woke up this morning to find the dog sitting up just staring at me waiting for signs of wakefulness. It was 3:30am. You can really see the stars at that hour lol.

- I processed my clothing and shoe orders that were sitting around. Now have 2 new pairs of loafers for cooler weather and a lovely green cotton sweater. Other items returned.

- On Monday while DH and BIL met with the mortuary and rabbi, I cleaned out my FIL's unit in terms of kitchen/frig, bathroom, leftover medical supplies and finding the rest of paperwork. Gave medical supplies to med techs at assisted living facility, some supplies to Hubby's great aunt who also lives there, and brought 2 large bags of books home which have now been donated to the library. Mostly I just threw stuff away and ignored my preference to recycle containers, etc.

- Helped text and call re: time and location of funeral. Got dog sitter to at least come by to walk dog on day of funeral. Perhaps stay a while too depending on her schedule. Did a little grocery shopping so we could have healthier meals at home.

- Trying to find new homes for furniture as we have until the end of the month to vacate his unit. Since we will be out of town 5 days for granddaughter's 2nd birthday and then there is Thanksgiving it will be a tight timeline. Trying to avoid putting into storage items that will be given away. One day soon we need to pack up all his clothes, linens and so on for donation and bring all the family photos home.

- Our younger son and DIL will be staying with us the night after the funeral (Yeah!). The house is quite dusty, etc. so cleaning, more grocery shopping and laundry are today and tomorrow for me. If it was just us I would wait and clean after the funeral.

- DH has started dealing with the financial details. Thankfully there is a trust that automatically goes to him and my BIL. Still a lot of paperwork as I recall from my Mom's death where there was also a trust involved that went to my brother and me. DH is also fielding the upset family member calls and condolence calls. Hard on him is an understatement.

- I ordered not only a pre-cooked turkey but most of the rest of the meal for Thanksgiving from Whole Foods. Less stress is good.

- If I need stress relief there are always those 150 paper airplanes to fold as my contribution to decorating for Granddaughter's 2nd birthday party. She sees or hears airplanes before anyone else and points them out avidly so female aviator is the party theme.

I know all of this is just a small burden compared with what many experience after a loved one dies. The hard balance is getting everything done, holding loved ones close, taking care of your own well being and mourning at the same time.

Hugs to all who have gone through this before or are preparing to deal with it soon.

We are both orphans now

My father-in-law died yesterday morning at the age of 91. Hospice care was a wonderful thing and my husband feels greatly at peace with how he helped his Dad through his final years.

He was a fighter and found enjoyment in small things until the day before he died. A long and resilient life. After my mother-in-law died 13 years ago at 80 he found a way forward and made a different life for himself.

Both my in-laws were welcoming, kind and generous to me. I distinctly remember the first time I met them. My hubby invited me to go to the family Thanksgiving dinner - about 25 people! - along with my 7 year old son. We were hugged and welcomed and it stayed that way forever.

Now we are the oldest in our family. My father died eight years ago at 88 and my mother 4 years ago at 93.  We come from long lived families and at 69 (me) and just short of 66 (DH) we probably have a long way to go - which is good!

Last night we were talking about how odd it is in your 60s to realize that you are now an "orphan". The people who knew and loved you since you were born are now gone although my husband still has two 90 year old aunts. It is an odd feeling.

Add to this the fact that we moved to our current location to be near my FIL when we would have gone near our granddaughter otherwise. Our granddaughter turns 2 on November 20th and the next generation is happy and growing. Perhaps we can still head to N Cal to attend her party.

There won't be any swift decisions as there is a lot to do and a lot to process but once again we are facing a time of potential great change ahead. Right now it is time for sharing good memories, doing the tasks that have to be done and keeping our own little family healthy and happy.

We agreed to an offer on Mom's house!

Very excited that this part of the estate process may be over with by the end of July. Keeping our fingers crossed that it actually closes!

Part Five: Disposing of your parent's belongings

I understand that there are many options for how to dispose of your parent's remaining belongings after you and other family members have decided what to keep. In our case we are limited by the rural location of our Mom's home, my living far away, and our lack of interest in trying to get every last dollar out of selling things.

So here is how we decided to triage this task.

- We gave a painting back to the widow of the artist who was delighted to have it and was also my Mom's best friend. She said she will think of Mom and her departed husband every time she looks at it.
- We donated her clothes to a charity, two chairs to the local library and are trying to find someone who couldn't afford to buy one to donate her electric recliner (helps you stand up) to so that they can live a better life now.
- We identified silver, jewelry and some antiques to try to sell. I get the fun of trying to sell the jewelry. My brother gets the silver and antiques as I couldn't easily bring them home in my car.
- We identified someone who will buy the contents of houses. After the house is under contract we will get an estimate. We may need a second buyer for what they don't want.
- What remains will be donated.

That is it. We like to keep things simple and since there was little of significant value we can do so. If there had been valuable items/furnishings that would be another story.

Part Four: Deciding what to keep after a parent dies

I decided to drive to my Mom's house for three reasons: I simply felt like I had to make this a journey, especially the leaving. I wanted to put a physical limit on what I would bring home. I wanted to have an open ended timeframe.

I also went with the idea that I would bring home 4 of my Dad's pastels, family photographs, a family marble sculpture and two items my Dad fixed up for my childhood bedroom. We also had a list of things we could potentially use in our home or that might be an upgrade from what we have.

The surprise was that once I really looked at the childhood objects I did not want them. The same with the sculpture which is quite fragile at this point as it was made by a great-grandfather - my brother took it as he lives nearby. The memory of them all was better than the current reality.

I did take the pastels and some framed photographs, but we stored all of the photo albums and some framed photographs that need to be copied as well as genealogical materials. That will all require time on another visit.

What surprised me was what I wanted instead. A vase Mom treasured. Needlework that she, my Grandma, and I had each done. Some jewelry including an antique ring I had never seen that belonged to my maternal grandmother. A fossil I had as a child. A rarely used set of dishes with 12 servings (our old ones will be donated). Binoculars, recipes in a large wooden box. Decorative items to change up our home a bit. A rattan chair I had always liked. Wine glasses as ours seem to be getting broken by guest lately. I'm sure there are other small practical items that I am forgetting to list as I am in the process of putting things away.

As I think about what I wanted to take home it seems they fall into several categories.
- Art and needlework made by loved ones.
- Objects that remind me of a loved ones and that I like as well.
- Useful items that we had been thinking about buying or will use up over time.
- Random decorative items or furnishings that will spruce up our home and we both like.

I am very glad I had thought about what I might want before I arrived at Mom's house and equally glad that I let myself change my mind. I know many people have difficulty going through and letting go of a loved one's belongings. In fact while we were going through the house we heard about someone who has had a portable storage unit full of stuff from their parent's house in their driveway for years. Others were said to have taken three years to get around to clearing out a house. I can't imagine that it gets easier with time. Of course I strongly believe that life is for the living and that we only have now. I also believe memories are more powerful and greater than things but I know many others feel differently.

The size of my car was a good limiting factor and believe me it was packed full for the drive home. The only items I brought home that I am not sure what to do with is some of the needlework as the colors are odd for our home. We are also considering whether or not we can and want to actually hang all of the framed photographs. I am not regretting leaving the items that I thought I would want and happy that I didn't try to add more stuff to our home.

As a friend told me when I said I was starting at unpacked boxes after arriving home - "It can wait. Stuff can't love you back."

Part Three: Picking the right memorial for your parent

When my Dad died five years ago my Mom decided to wait a few months before having a memorial gathering. She wanted to be able to appreciate the support and memories and not be so deep in grief that she couldn't be present for them. She did select the town historical society as the place for donations to be sent and that worked out.

This time my brother and I talked and decided that, since Mom had been very involved with her local library for the 30 years she lived in town,we would make that the focus of her memorial. We wanted to do something that would be lasting and speak to who she was. We talked to the librarian and some board members to find out what this very small town library had on their wish list.

Two things on the wish list were appealing to us: an upholstered chair for the children's room and restoration of a circa 1890 painting by a (at that time) well known local woman artist, Adelaide Palmer. The library owns two of her works and was hoping to have them restored and hung in time for the town's 250th anniversary celebration this August.

We were able to help with the chair situation by donating two from Mom's home. That didn't feel like a memorial though.

However, the painting awaiting restoration funding was perfect.
- By a woman artist - my Mom painted some.
- There is a companion photo of the artist painting this work - Mom's family owned a photography studio and retail store where she worked at various times.
- It is of mountain laurel in bloom - Mom loved flowers.
- It will be hung on the wall you see entering the library - Mom loved to walk into that space and talk with her friends including other volunteers and board members.

We decided that the painting would be restored in her memory. The library board will hang a plaque with her name, etc. under the painting.

I think we were lucky that the idea came together and was such a great fit for us as well as our budget. We were also able to say in her obituary that the library was the place for donations to be sent and I know some family members and friends have done so which is terrific. 

In the end we knew this was the right memorial because we felt such a glow after seeing the painting and making our decision. We know Mom would think it was perfect and that is what makes it right for us.

Part Two: Going through your parent's house

We had to go through my Mom's house soon after her death if we were going to get the house on the market during the prime selling season in her area. So Hubby and I got in the car and took three days to drive to my brother's house. We could have done it in 2 days and in fact I did make it home in two. However we took the time to enjoy a part of the country that we hadn't seen before and particularly enjoyed the drive through central Virginia - I think it was the Shenandoah Valley - during spring. After the first half day all of the drive was new to us.

Surprisingly we were able to set aside our grief and have a little vacation for ourselves. This was good because the next 7 days were hard work both physically and emotionally. 

I do have to mention though that we did not work on the house for 7 days straight as we had appointments with bankers, etc. and visited relatives and friends as well as those coffee and pastry breaks I mentioned.

Our goal with the house was to prepare it for listing for sale and showing by realtors. To do this we had to:
- Identify paperwork that needed to be saved.
- Find my Mom's ring that she had stored somewhere for safekeeping.
- Identify and remove the items we or our children wanted to keep or that we would sell separately through specialized sources (e.g. jewelry or antiques).
- Pack and donate or gift items that we weren't going to sell.
- Take to recycling or trash the appropriate items.
- Do a little cleaning and staging

To figure out the best way to approach this I had talked to my son about his experience working for a firm that helps seniors downsize or heirs go through homes. I also did a bit of online research regarding how best to approach this job. In the meantime my brother collected boxes and packaging materials as well as researching how to sell what was left of her furniture, decorative items and kitchen ware.

We were all quite familiar with our parent's belongings and both thought in advance about what we might want for ourselves or our children. We had 1 1/2 days where there would be the four of us working and then my Hubby had to fly home to go back to work.

It turned out to be wonderful to have the four of us working together. When one of us was feeling especially emotional it turned out that the others weren't so we helped each other through it. We stopped and had lunch together each day and went out for coffee in the afternoon and that was great. My SIL made sure we had delicious picnic lunches each day.

It would have been so hard to do it alone as I found out the couple of times later in the week when I went to the house by myself while my brother took care of other tasks. So I would highly recommend getting someone kind to help you if you are faced with doing this by yourself.

Here is how we chose to approach this task. I hope this helps someone else.

- We took to heart my son's suggestion to finish a room before moving on. By finish he meant to remove all items you had made decisions about.

- We designated areas where we would place the items each family wanted and those we couldn't decide on quickly. The idea of having a place to put things you weren't sure you wanted was a great one as it kept us moving forward. Over time the decisions about those items became easier.

- We also decided where to move the items we were selling separately, donating or gifting, and those that were to go to recycling or trash (areas in the garage in our case).

- First my brother and I walked through and discussed the items we already had in mind to take to make sure the other person did not really want it. This was easy for us and we are fortunate that way.

- Then we walked through the house and each took framed photographs, handmade items or gifts that were primarily of or from one family or the other. Framed photos that we both wanted were packed in a storage container for later copying.

- We did the same walk through together with our spouses to split up the art work done by our parents and other decorative items. We left art that we did not personally want hanging on the wall and later returned to it to take photos to send to the grandchildren so that they could pick what they wanted. Then we took the photographed artwork to my brother's house to await their decisions.

- Then my SIL and I started going through Mom's clothing while the guys helped pack it up and also packed up the jewelry to take to my brother's house to be gone through in the evening. If you go through someone's clothing remember that you need to check each pocket as you go. We had a laugh over this because rather than money all we found in pockets was Kleenex!

- While my brother and Hubby cleaned the outside entrance to the house and the screened porch, my SIL and I went through the upstairs bathroom, kitchen, china cabinets and writing desk.

- We kept on going through each room in this two story house the same way on other days. We found that we could consolidate items to make later action easier. All cleaning supplies went into the coat closet, all bedding and other linens in one linen closet, etc.

- We packed up all paperwork and took it to my brother's house to go through in the evenings.

- We left until the end all of the old photo albums and slides, genealogical records and other things that will take a lot of time to review. Fortunately there is room at my brother's home for storing them as we ran out of the ability to make any more decisions! If there was no place to store them I would have had them shipped to my home as there was not the emotional bandwidth available to go through them in a thoughtful way at that time.

- We left in the home for now the larger furniture items my brother and SIL are taking. They will move them in a week or two. We took everything else that was being removed to their house, to where it was being donated or gifted, packed it in my car or had it picked up by recycling/trash.

I'm sure I am forgetting something but this is what stands out in my mind. If you have other suggestions that might help someone else please add them in the comments.

Part One: A week of clearing out my Mom's house and dealing with her estate

I think it was a gift that we needed to go through my Mom's house so soon after her death because of the short real estate season in northern New England. For me, having less time to think about it was best.

 

I was also very fortunate that my brother and sister-in-law had already taken care of some things. My Mom was in the hospital or a skilled nursing facility for two months before she died so they had removed perishable items and done laundry as well as other things. After she died my brother also had cancelled credit cards, phone and cable service, arranged her burial, etc. We had split the job of notifying family and friends.

 

My Mom as a toddler in the early 1920s

We also had the gift of our parents having put their home and all assets into a trust with us as co-trustees which means we do not have to deal with probate.

 

Mom with her brother

So what did we do in 7 days? We buried our Mom and arranged for carving of the headstone she shares with our Dad and for a gravestone. We dealt with the paperwork to change bank and investment accounts to our names only. We made phone calls about other accounts and services and returned her cable TV box. We interviewed and selected a realtor. We visited and made a memorial donation to her local library (more about that in Part 3). We visited our sole surviving aunt and one of our cousins and Mom's best friend. We drank quite a bit of wine and went to King Arthur Bakery for pastries and coffee at least four times. We talked more than we had in decades as we had more time to do so than living in different parts of the country has made that difficult.

We also prepared her house for sale and removed all personal items as well as most of the things that we wanted to keep. We packed my car with the things I was bringing home (more about that in Part 4), moved items to my brother's home and left some things in storage at my brother's home so that we can go through them together during a later visit. We went into it with a plan and goals for what we needed to get done and how we would all work at it together (more on that in Part Two).

Mom's engagement picture

Mom & Dad on their wedding day in 1945

 What we didn't do was argue or fight about who gets what. It is a true gift that my brother, sister-in-law, husband, children and nephews all get along and have had no disagreements about how to proceed. Our Mom and Dad said numerous times that they knew we would be like that when the time came. They would be so happy to know that they were right.

My Mom and Dad in 2007 when they were both in their mid 80s and still well

 My Mom was in so much pain the last few months of her life and facing worse pain if she had lived so it is a blessing that she isn't suffering anymore. I miss her and my Dad terribly.